ブラックウッド卿に尋ねよう
評価: +3+x
blackwood.png

"デーズ君!一体全体私のスリッパはどこにあるのかね!?"

関係当事者殿;

タリーホォー!レディース・エーンド・ジェントルメン!紳士淑女の皆様!セオドア・トーマス・ブラックウッド卿とはこの私、英帝国勲爵士にして第七代ウェストミンスター子爵、それも名の聞こえし探検家にして紳士。

私は「ワールド·ワイド·ウェブ」という定期刊行物で読者に非常に高く評価されていると聞く。そのような雑誌をロンドンで入手する事は出来ず、耳にした事も無かったのだが、デーズが説明するには、電報の動力を利用して遥か彼方の土地の加入者の家まで最新の出来事を伝えるこの上なく技巧を凝らした装置との事。世に驚きの種は尽きないものですな。

さて、私は『科学者』と名乗る、いかさま師や詐欺師連中に、不本意ながら客にされていて、ここで一つ気晴らしがしたい。そこで、私はこの素晴らしい出版物を通じて、私のファンの皆々様に触れ合おうと決断した。私に与えられたこの宿舎には電鍵が無い。(渡されたとしても役立たないだろうが。何の意味あってか、看守は毎日毎日私の部屋を水で満たすと言って譲らないのだ。)しかし、デーズが目ざといガードマンの隙を縫って私への手紙や書き留めを取り集め、これらのページを通して、私の冒険と人生について尋ねたいと望むありとあらゆる全ての人々と連絡が取り合える様にしてくれると同意してくれたのだ。

我が英国の同胞諸君、全世界の兄弟に従兄弟諸兄、ぜひ話してくれ、一体何が尋ねたいのかね?どんな私の偉業が知りたいのかね?私のありのままの人生、時代の秘密を聞きたいかね?私の信条、意見を学びたいかね?この新聞の記者は猥雑な話や機密事項は入念に検閲するだろうが、私は誠実に適切に皆のあらゆる質問にも答えられるよう最善を尽くそう。君の御便りを切に望む。

キリストと共にあらんことを
T.T.B.

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ジェクレッド(Jekeled)のお便り:

あなたはウミウシであると気付いていますね。

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

ジェクレッド君──もう私はそのジョークを何度も聞かされて、もはや何も可笑し味も感じ無い。明らかに私は人だ、ウミウシでは無い。ウミウシが如何にして狩りをするというのかね。どうやって闘い、筆を執り、歌い、恋をするというのだ。君には新しい眼鏡が必要なのではないかね、ブライトンに住む私の朋友の眼鏡をお勧めしよう。彼は後ろも同時に見る事が出来る鼻眼鏡を売ってくれた。

おい!君、私は全く同じ型の鼻眼鏡を客間に飾っているのだぞ!これがタチの悪い噓やその類いと言うのかね?

やもすると有り得るな──私はヘンリーの珍妙な機械の偽物で不当な巨万の稼ぎを得たマーシャル・カーター&ダーク社の話を聞いた事がある。私は出来るだけ早く熱素学技師(phlogistonic enginee)にその事を調べてもらおう。君が一体どんな辺鄙な所に居るのか検討もつかないが、きっと、近くの主要都市に連中の内の一人はいるだろう。

そうさ!たとえ悪漢共が私を欺こうが、十分この眼鏡を使い倒したぞ。72年のボラボラ島の生活も救われている。

君だったのかね?1誓って、君、マンティコア2が我々と火薬庫の間に現れたときには、もう駄目かと思ったよ。34君は、フォン・アルムスバッハ男爵(Baron von Almsbach)に何が起こったか知っているかね?

哀れな同胞だ、輝く宝石をネックレスに身に付けるなんて決してするべき無かった。君、知っているな。イーストエンド5で、一番最悪な時にごろつきに闘いをふっかけたのだ。

おおお。何と痛ましい。

我々は、その哀れな彼の胴体から下を見つける事が出来なったのだ……

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スワンプレス・シング(SwamplessThing)のお便り:

お目にかかれて光栄です。あなたが最も愛した方とその御方を失ってしまった事についてのお話を聞かせて下さい。

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

スワンプレスシング君へ──私が最も愛したのは、勿論、イングランドだ。神許したまわば、我々は英国を失うという事は無かろう。ここの先生から英国はかつて程、壮健かつ強大では無いという痛ましい話を聞いた──だが尚も英国は不撓不屈であって、我が愛しきヴィクトリア女王陛下は、英邁にして民に愛され王座に在るとも聞いたがね。

私のフランチェスカ伯爵夫人との結婚の話、まあこれは全く別の話しだがね。彼女はナポリ大公の娘だ。いつか別の日に詳しく話そうか──聖ヨハネ騎士団(Knights Hospitaller)は囚人をとらず6、そしてモンゴルのステップは荒涼にして慈悲無きといえば十分だろう。

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J・サンブ博士(Dr J Sombre)のお便り:

ブラックウッド卿、最近私は少々難問に出くわしまして、というのも、テスラコイルガンか、工芸品市場で時たま見る小さな法外な「レイガン」だったらどっちの方が良いですか?ブラジルの方あたりを下って行くっていう、ちょっとした探検を計画していまして。熱帯雨林には穴ぼこが一杯あるって聞いた事がありますし、少々の威力を犠牲にして、携帯性を高めるのは利口なのでしょうか?モケーレ・ムベンベ7に遭った時に後悔しちゃいませんかね?(天然の洞窟を価値ある探検をする事できる現地の住民を見つける事無く、私のガイドをお願いしたいのですが……うーん、貴方にお頼みするのは難しいですね。)あと、山高帽かシルクハットならどっちがいいですかね?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

サンブ博士へ──個人的には分子崩壊マスケット銃が好きだな。だが君の手許に置くのは難しいかも知れん。モス氏のウェイティング・リストは数年先まで予約で満杯だからな。その老人は、アシスタントとして雇った腕白小僧に騙しとられて以降、無いもかも一人でやると意固地になっているらしい。いずれにしろ、電気の武器よりもラジウムの武器の方がどう考えてみても良かろう。

後、君がアマゾンでモケーレ・ムベンベに遭遇する事が無いよう願わざるを得ない。モケーレ・ムベンベに出くわすというのは、気がふれるか丸呑みにされるかという事を意味するのだよ。あの化け物はコンゴ領から逸れるということは滅多に無く、私の従兄弟も南アメリカでは見つけた事は無いらしい。だがね、原住民がマタトロ(Matatoro)と呼ぶ大蛇には注意してくれ。それと人を獣のごとく喰らう巨大ナマケモノにも注意してくれ。

(ちなみに、次サンパウロに行く事になったら"'A história do galo e o touro(雄鶏と牡牛の歴史)"という居酒屋を探して、アーマンドという名のバーテンを尋ねてくれ。年を取ったボーイが、今までロンドンの外で飲んだ中では極上のマティーニを出してくれる。)

被り物についてだが、自然の中に居る分にはピスヘルメットが一番快適だ。社交的な場であったならば、シルクハットを被らないよりも、裸を見られる方がマシだ。

まあ、地形を把握すると、私は家に居た方がいいな。良い旅のガイドを得てくれ、私だったら騙されたと思う。

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キャットボーイ637(Catboy637)のお便り:

こんにちは、サー。早速なんですけど、あなたの言う「科学者達」達はあなたの部屋を水で一杯にするらしいですね。どうやって生き残ってるんですか?
次に、聖書を読むことって許可されてるんですか?
最後に、あなたの肩書きはもしもあなたが死んだら(神様は許さないでしょうけどね)跡取りとかが相続したりするんですか?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

キャットボーイ君へ―それは私が水中の中で生活を強要されたのが初めてではないからだ、この私が保証する。結局、それに慣れてしまうんだ。聖書に関しては、私は度々要求したことがあったのだが、全て却下されてしまった。私がイートンで暮らしていた頃には年間聖書知識大会で三回も優勝したものだよ。私は今でもマタイによる福音書やレビ記のほとんどを暗唱することが出来るのだ。

跡取りに関しては―悲しいことに、私の冒険心はまだ家族を築き上げるには時間を使いたくないらしい。ランドルフ・チャーチル卿8の三男のウィ二ーは私の名づけ子なのだが、それにも関わらず彼が小さな少年だった頃から私は彼に会っていないのだよ―まぁ、彼は良い人生を送っているようだし、私の考えとしては土地や肩書きは彼(あるいは彼の子孫に)相続したいね。

ところで君は古代ギリシャのオリンピックを再び催すと言う計画を知っているかね?素晴らしきロンドンがそれの新たな開催地に選ばれたらしいぞ。

実に素晴らしい知らせだね―ギリシャ人がかつてそうしたように、走者が裸になって走るわけではないだろうが。

ブラックウッド卿はこれまでにアフリカのアマスキ族に会った事はあるかって?ふむ、あの民族達には奇妙な言い伝えがあってな、君がどんなに調査しようともそれについての知識を得るには難しいだろうな。

これはまた別の話になるが、君に赤道の近くを旅行している時に日焼けを防ぐ最良の方法はわかるかね?

ドレバー(Drewbear)のお便り:

いいえ、違います、裸ではありません。確かに近くはありますが。競技者の男性と女性(ええ、実際にはね!)どちらも物理的に激しい競技に参加する場合、ゾッとするような、体にぴったりとフィットした服を着用する傾向があるようです。

個人的に、私はアーチェリーや射撃、馬術などの威厳あるスポーツ競技が好きです。それは水泳や体操の競技に出場する女性達を見るのが嫌いだということでもありまして、素晴らしい場乗馬術を披露する貴婦人よりも素晴らしいものは無いと思うんです。あと、女性がスキート射撃で素晴らしい記録を残した時ですね!100の内の99ヒットですよ!悲しいことに、皆が使用しているのはもっと強力な武器ではなく普通のライフル銃なんですよね。

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ボア・ノア(Boa Noah)のお便り:

デーズ氏からはどんな匂いがしますか?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

全く以て変わった質問だ、されど答えると私は彼からしばしば瑞々しいライラックの香りがする事を見出している。如何なる香水か秘訣があるのか、彼は答えてくれないがね。

ありがとうございました、お元気で紳士殿。

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スクラットスキナー(Scratskinner)のお便り:

自分をウミウシであると信じ込んだ男に出会ったことはありますか?
この時代の娯楽で、貴方の御眼鏡に叶うようなものはありましたか?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

自身をウミウシと思い込んでいる男だったね、スクラットスキナー君? 無いと答えておこう──そのような考えは狂気の沙汰であるし、私は狂人と親交を持ったことなどない。

この施設の外の世界の娯楽についてだが、残念ながら近頃は調査する時間もろくに取れなかった。だが、前世紀中からクリケットの試合が大変な人気を博すようになったという話は耳にしているよ。つまるところ、紳士の熱情にまっこと相応しいスポーツこそ我が友ということだ!

(聞く所によると、アメリカ人という輩は当然ながらクリケットをまったく誤解しているようだ。)

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ロードリーアワー(Lordlyhour)のお便り:

御機嫌よう、敬愛なる探検家殿!
卿にお聞きしたいのですが、口ヒゲについて何か持論をお持ちですか?ムスタチオ(訳注:ムスタッシュとも。口ヒゲの意。)を健やかに保ちたいと望む者への助言は何かありますか?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

ロードリーアワー君へ──ブラシ掛け、毛並みの手入れ、そしてワックスを欠かさぬこと。何はなくともワックスだ。

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ドレバー(Drewbear)のお便り:

顎ヒゲの維持に関してアドバイスを頂けませんか?私は素晴らしく豊かな顎ヒゲに恵まれているのですが、愛する人の頬に接吻しようとする際に酷く邪魔になるほどモジャモジャになりがちなのです。

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

顎ヒゲだって?それは何ともお気の毒様だ。それが君にとっての重大事であるならば、できればロシア人に相談すべきだろう。私は見事で上品な英国流のムスタッシュ以外生やしたことが無いのだよ、お便りどうもありがとう。

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スワンプレス・シング(SwamplessThing)のお便り:

閣下に対し、大胆にも別の質問をすることをお許し下さい。シェイクスピアの作品でどれが最もお気に入りですか?またその理由は?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

スワンプレス・シング君へ──詩人の作品は絶えず私にインスピレーションを授けてくれる。私は"ジュリアス・シーザー"こそ彼の最高傑作であると常々思っているが、58年頃の戦でオベロン自身と対面した出来事から、我が胸中において"真夏の夜の夢"は特別な地位を占めているのだ。(もし君に妖精郷へ辿り着いた経験があるならば、女性から差し出された飲み物を受け取ることが即ちプロポーズを意味すると警告されたことだろう。婚約を反故にされた妖精が決して優しくはないということも。)

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Faminepulse writes:

Was wondrin' if you like a good smoke with yer rosie every now an' then? An' if so, what method? What brand balms yer' bristols if you don't mind me askin''?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Is that you, Mr. Horace?

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ドレバー(Drewbear)のお便り:

もしも現在貴方様を拘留している悪党共に対し1つだけ要求ができ、かつその者たちが必ずそれに応えるとしたら、何をご所望でしょうか?但し残念ながら、貴方ご自身の自由に関してはやむなく除外させて頂きます。貴方も私も、聡明なる者として、そのご要求は認められ得ぬと了解しております故。

ブラックウッド卿の回答:
ドレバー君へ──此処の食事は悲しいほど少量でね。私を捕えている者達は奇怪な味のフレークを水の中にばら撒いて馳走するというやり方に固執しているのだよ。ごく普通のステーキ、ウナギパイ、或いは単なる紅茶一杯でも、私の心持ちを変えるのには十分なのだがね。

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ミスター・コバルト(MrCobalt)のお便り:
貴方様がエーテル質の兵器類を好まれておいでとは存じ上げておりますが、旧来の火薬を原理とする銃火器については如何思われますか?私見で御座いますが、ショットガンを放つ際に銃身が拳の中で口座するあの原初的なスリル。あれに見合うものがエーテルには見当たらないのです。あの類の反動を味わえるような先進武器は、最早…存在しないのでしょうか?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

コバルト君へ──私は一度、ドイツ人達が研究を重ねていた、電気を動力とする「レールガン」の実験を行う機会に立ち会ったことがある。べらぼうな衝撃に私も肩を壊しかけたが、弩級戦艦の片舷斉射よりも凄まじい迫力だったよ。ペルシアでベヒーモスに出くわした時、あれを持っていればなあ!

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VAELynxのお便り:
十月社会主義者大革命と、世界中での労働者運動について、どの様なご意見をお持ちでしょうか?

ブラックウッド卿の回答

VAELynx君へ──畏れながら、あらゆる正規の出版物に取り上げられて然るべきであるあの大衆達を私が如何に評すべきか、言葉が見当たらないのだ。

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トゥオミー・トゥンストーン(Tuomey Tombstone)のお便り:

何故、貴方様はコンピュータの使い方さえ心得ておいでなのでしょうか?貴方様にとっては些か新しいものである筈で御座いましょう?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

トゥオミー君へ──バベッジ氏の階差機関について尋ねているのかね?'58年にこういった装置のデモンストレーションを拝見したのだよ。しかし、それが今のこの電報会話とどう関係しているのか、定かでないな。デーズが君の質問を私へと取り次ぎ、私の回答を書き取って、その度ごとに彼は電報局へと戻り、このワールドワイド・ウェブの中央局へと電報を打っているのだと、私は推測しているのだが…。

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Goodwill writes:
Has the Royal Society for the Security, Containment, and Protection of Anomalous Artifacts ever requested your services? If so, what have you accomplished for the Society? Also, have you heard of the American Secure Containment Initiative, and their rather…loose requirements for what defines as paranormal phenomena?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Mr. Goodwill - the Royal Foundation and I have, shall we say, a colorful history together - it seems I've found them at my throat as often as i've found them an ally. I have not had the pleasure of doing business with its American counterpart, though I suspect the organization now holding me captive is associated with it.

If I may follow up with a similar question, have you ever had contact with the elusive Professor A.W.? He's the mind behind that electro-mechanical memory machine, along with a few other oddities.

I regret to declare that I have not met the man you speak of, though I have heard his name whispered many times at the gentlemen's club.

—-

Eric_h writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood: I was wondering if you would share your experiences with Marshall, Carter, and Dark. They remain a most disreputable group to this day, and have caused the Foundation a significant amount of trouble. Any opportunities to get the upper hand on them would be most appreciated.

Lord Blackwood replies:
Mr. Eric: Those rogues operate a "gentleman's club" in Knightsbridge - though the name is quite misleading, as neither themselves nor any of the libertinous Bohemians they attract are fit to be called gentlemen. I have known them to be associated with theft, larceny, white slavery, and crimes of nature not fit to be discussed among Christian men, and I would sooner wipe my backside with the Queen's portrait (forgive my immodesty) than willingly do business with any of them. Mr. Dark is the only one I have had the displeasure to meet in person - he is a squat and unseemly fellow, with a scar across one eye and a beard almost Satanic in its cut, and his voice is harsh and discordant. He is, however, surprisingly adept in the art of judo, and I had quite a time fending him off before I could make my escape from the scene of his depravities with the artifact I had come to recover at the Lord Admiral's request.

(Incidentally, I met a young man named Eric once. He had a most unusual collection of artifacts of his own. Might you and he be any relation?)

eric_h replies: You knew my great-uncle? How odd. Small world, isn't it?

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GG Crono writes:

My good Lord,
Surely someone who has been through such ordeals as yourself knows the importance of keeping one's spirits up. So in the interest of raising the spirits of all, I ask you; what is the most humorous happening that you have come across on your travels far and wide?

Lord Blackwood replies:
Mr. Crono - It is a long tale that I do not know if the censors of this publication would allow me to relate in full, but suffice it to say that it involved Lord Palmerston's dog, a one-legged lady of the evening, and a gentleman of the Polish persuasion.

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ステューポラススチュアート(StuporousStuart)のお便り:

ブラックウッド卿よ、
選り抜かれた選択肢の内から、汝は1つの行為をせねばならぬ。次に与える3つの内から、行為とその対象を選ぶがよい。
彼の邪なるモノを娶るか、殺めるか、手籠むか。
相手はSCP-136-2、SCP-1308SCP-096なり。

男に二言は無い。

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

スチュアート君へ──まず間違いなく3体とも始末するとも!君が斯様に奇怪な異常物達を扱う団体を探しているのだとしたら、私の古い学友のハリス氏に君を紹介できると思うがね。

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Dmatix writes:

What is your weapon of choice when hunting Giant Howling Sloths? Those things are a bugger to corner, and have a skin as tough as a week old lamprey pie.

Lord Blackwood replies:

Ah, yes, Megatherium. Deceptively agile when they're angry, those ones. I have found that nothing smaller than an elephant gun will even pierce their flesh, but I must say that electric rifles are efficient enough at stunning them for a moment or two - long enough for your porters (or yourself, if you have the stomach for it) to approach from behind and cut its throat with an electric saw.

—-

Boa Noah writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood, if a gentleman must engage in self gratification should he use a lubricating lotion? Do you have any exotic alternatives for the adventurous yet lonely explorer?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Good heavens, sir! I'll have you know that self-pollution is well-established to lead inevitably to illnessess of the stomach and digestion, loss of appetite or ravenous hunger, vomiting, nausea, weakening of the organs of breathing, coughing, hoarseness, paralysis, weakening of the organ of generation to the point of impotence, lack of libido, back pain, disorders of the eye and ear, total diminution of bodily powers, paleness, thinness, pimples on the face, decline of intellectual powers, loss of memory, attacks of rage, madness, idiocy, epilepsy, fever and finally suicide.

If you absolutely must indulge the masculine urge while afield, you would be better advised (so I am told) to seek out a lady-in-waiting. Be wary, however, for my less morally scrupulous associates have told me that in Indochina it is common for men of an effeminate persuasion to disguise themselves as ladies, and in so doing beguile men of immorality out of their money.

—-

Lord Blackwood writes from the future:

Thank God I brought my trusty Electro-Dynamic Curvator to send this back to you. There isn't much time. You need, urgently, to tell the Prime Minister to halt the memorial service at the Abbey next Sunday. There's a sniper from the future on the rooftop with one of Herr Buechinger-Dolmutz's air rifles trying to kill Her Majesty. I fear his plan is to divert history into a continuum in which we are conquered by the French on a pretext of restoring order. To prove this is me I give the password: Celeste. I only hope you remember her in your world. Now, GO! God speed, and the best of British luck.

Lord Blackwood replies:

Stephen, is that you? Good one, big brother - you almost had me going for a moment there. This is payback for that time I convinced you the Swedish had invaded Newcastle, isn't it?

—-

Trinitite writes:

Noble Viscount, I seem to find myself a mite confused. Your title as Viscount of Westminster appears in breach of the sacred tradition that no two peers can have title to the same place at once. How was it not noticed in 1831 that creating the Grosvenor family Marquesses-and now, I hear, Dukes-of Westminster most treasonably violates the long Blackwood lineage?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Dear me, are the Grosvenors still at it? To hear my father tell the tale, that disreputable clan has been trying to usurp my family's titles since before the Protestant Reformation, and they've sided with the most disreputable sorts - Yorkists, Spaniards, Cromwellians, even that blasted Prince Charlie and his horde of Scottish pretenders - to try and wrest it from us. Legend has it that the feud goes all the way back to a slight that occurred between their progenitor and my own during the Hundred Years War - of course, they claim that it was Robert de Forêt-Noir who was responsible, and not t'other way around. Foolish louts.

—-

Trinitite writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,
Is it true that you are made of win?

Lord Blackwood replies:

I'm afraid I don't understand the expression, Mr. Trinitrite. I am merely a man of flesh and blood like any other. True, I have won a great many times, but to win is an act, not a substance of which one can be composed.

—-

Doktori writes:

Lord Blackwood, have you heard of a rising academical named A. Einstein? I hear he has some interesting ideas about the photoelectric effect as well as gravity.

Lord Blackwood replies:

Dr. Tori - I met a teenaged Swiss by that name in ninety-seven. He seemed to be quite a contemplative young man with an interest in matters physical. I lent him six shillings for carriage fare and he promised to pay me back once he wins Mr. Nobel's endowment. Has he done so, do you know? I am quite certain that with interest, that loan should be more than enough to bribe the watchmen here to get me some decent scotch, or at least a cup of tea.

I don't believe he will receive Mr. Nobel's prize until the early 1920's. I'm afraid you may not receive your money, but I would greatly enjoy sharing a nice cask of Mortlach or Speyside with you.

—-

J THOMPSON BRADLEY, ESQ. (U.K. CITIZEN) WRITES:

HELLO LORD %{NAME},

May our lord Christ bless you and keep you. I am J Thompson Bradley Esq. a United Kingdom Citizen and Registered Barrister. I am Attorney of Law to the deceased Oil Executive Mr. John Hamilton of BRITISH PETROLUEM Inc. based in Basra Iraq.

On June 13, 2012 my client Mr. HAMILTON was killed in an aeroplane accident in Iraq. At the time of his death certain oil leases in my client's name had been sold and the money deposited into his confidential fiduciary account. I have been authorized by BRITISH PETROLUEM to repatriate my client's funds to his next of kin. However, Mr. HAMILTON has no known living relatives and under UNITED KINGDOM law within three months if a next of kin is still unfound his funds must revert to Her Majesties' Government.

I write to you today in the hopes of your assistance in repatriating the £25million to United Kingdom of funds currently held in escrow in UNITED BANK OF IRAQ to allow us time to find next of kin of mr HAMILTON. In return for your aid we would pay a fee of (10%) of funds.

All I require is your honest and confidential co-operation to see this deal through. Please contact me with your full names, address in UNITED KINGDOM, bank account number, and fax no. to allow us to further discuss this situation.

Your obedient servant,

J THOMPSON BRADLEY ESQ. (UK CITIZEN)

Lord Blackwood replies:

"Aeroplane"? "Iraq"? "Fax"? "2012"?

Dear me, is this another one of those bizarre religious pitches from the Latter-Day Saints?

—-

Spacecadet writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

Boxers or briefs?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Union suit.

—-

McKinteer writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

I am wondering if, in your travels of the North American Continent, you had the pleasure of meeting the inventor and industrialist Samuel Colt before his untimely death in 1862. If so, did he perchance gift to you any special sort of firearm to which the public was never made aware of? For I have heard rumors that before his passing, he designed and built a most excellent pistol which had the capability of being able to slay even the vilest of hellspawn with a single round.

Lord Blackwood replies:

Ah, yes, the Improved Anti-Daemon Revolver Mark V. I'm afraid I no longer have it in my collection - I bequeathed it to my little brother, the archbishop, as a Christmas gift. Such a thing comes in quite handy in the career of an exorcist, you know.

—-

アイスバーグ博士(Dr. Iceberg)のお便り:

親愛なるブラックウッド卿、

貴方は暑い気候と寒い気候のどちらを好まれますか?
また、最も危険な大陸は何処だとお考えですか?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

アイスバーグ博士――貴殿のような名前の人物から面白い質問を頂戴したな!

真実、我が故郷たる英国の気候を他と取り替えたいわけではないが、時に寒さと霧からの休息を楽しみたくはある。数多くの我が冒険で訪れた土地である熱帯気候でなら、文明の性質によってそれを見出せる、そして私は温かな太陽、濃密で湿った空気、河川や海の爽やかな冷気にすっかり慣れてしまった。

後者の質問だが、南部における大いなる未踏の大陸、南極大陸こそが最も致命的であると言わざるを得ない――何故ならば(私は断固として言うが)そこには冒険家の胸を躍らせるようないかなる偉大な獣も獰猛な種族もおらず、どのような動物相も無く、果物や蔦もまた然り、薪にするに足る木々も得られない、そして永遠の凍える寒さと長い夜はいかなる男であれど確実に狂気か死へと追いやる。しかし私は必ずしもそうでないという噂を聞いた――狂えるトルコ人、ピーリー・レイース9の記録が、そこがほんの数世紀前には青々とした大地であったと示している。いかなる存在の企みによって斯様な領域全てを素早く変化させることができたのか?恐らくいつの日にか私はそこへ手がかりを探しに往くだろう。

—-

スクラットスキナーのお便り:

財団の悪党がこの事業を発見し、それを止めさせるまで、どれくらい保つと思いますか?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

デーズの隠蔽技術には全幅の信頼を置いているよ。彼は労働者階級出身の召使ではあるが、影の中を動く能力は、東洋のニンジャ・アサシンに匹敵する程だ。実は江戸に行った際……いや、この話はまた別の機会にしよう。

—-

Foundation Agent Baxter writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,
Why has this metal sphere we found in your collection started ticking? And how can we make it stop? Thank you for any assistance.

Lord Blackwood replies:

I fear I cannot say except to assure you that it must be deactivated as soon as possible. I would be more than happy to render my assistance, but the fools in charge here refuse to let me examine it, even in spite of the fact that it clearly attempted to speak to me when I saw it carried past me the other day.

—-

Jethro writes:

How did you first meet Deeds? Has he ever made you upset, disappointed, etc? And has he always lived in that bell of his?

Lord Blackwood replies:

It was 1837 - the day of Queen Victoria's coronation, indeed. I had just returned to my London estate after watching the festivities and there he was, in the midst of pressing and starching my shirts. He wouldn't say how he'd gotten in, or who sent him - but he has been my valet ever since, and never has he been anything but completely faithful and diligent in his responsibilties. (Well, aside from that unfortunate incident in the Wyoming Territory with the drunken Indian, but none of us expected him to have a Tomahawk, of all things, hidden up there.)

—-

Foundation Historian Gallow writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,
We are currently investigating the process by which Ireland became independent from the British Empire. We have a theory that the Irish rebels may have used some kind of reality-distorting artifact, possibly ancient and possibly dug up immediately south-west of the Hill of Tara, to either achieve sufficient military success to persuade the British to withdraw, or to divert history into a reality in which the nationalists won. Can you throw any light on this matter?

Lord Blackwood replies:

The Irish? Independent? By jingo, old sport, that's the funniest thing I've heard all week.

—-

Researcher Cobalt writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,
An associate of mine has wagered that you may have heard of SCP-1326, or a similar tome. What do you say to that?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Dr. Cobalt - I must say, the terms you amateurs use to refer to the mysterious and wonderful artifacts our world is teeming with are so dry. Where is your sense of wonder?

I cannot say that I have encountered the particular volume you mention - had I, I no doubt could have spent decades simply in cataloging its contents. I am made to understand it even contains references to myself, which I find most disconcerting - for I have never consented to my memoirs being put into publication, and if the original producer of this book has profited from it, then I intend to speak to a solicitor about the matter as soon as I am freed from this facility.

Researcher Cobalt replies:

I see. It is rather fortunate for my associate that there was no money involved in the wager.

I was actually the one responsible for SCP-1326's original documentation, and unoficially dubbed the tome "The Lexicon"; unfortunately, protocol only lets me refer to it by its official SCP designation. As for its anomalous documentation of your adventures, I am afraid a solicitor may not be of much help in the matter of copyright; I fear that book's author may hail from an alternate timeline, or even another reality, and would be beyond our reach or jurisdiction.

Speaking of your adventures, did the one described in the Lexicon really occur?

—-

William, in the Foundation mail room writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood:

We have received an unusual parcel from a "Mr. Moth" via post from London. Perchance, did you order something? If we can't identify the item, protocol definitely prohibits passing it along to you.

Lord Blackwood replies:

Dash it all! He was supposed to address it to "Pervical Wilburforce" so that Deeds could secret it to me after it was dead-lettered. Are you quite sure you couldn't just allow me to access it on Sundays? I assure you it poses no danger to anyone - it is merely a trans-Akashic codex viewer. I've grown quite bored without my library at hand, you see, and I was hoping to be able to use it to revise my old notes and finally get around to learning Greek.

—-

エジソン博士(Dr. Edison)のお便り:

親愛なるブラックウッド卿、
貴方はこれまでに日本に行った事がありますか?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

エジソン博士へ――そこへはデーズ君と私で46年に密かに訪れたとも、エディンバラ公の為にいくつかの書類を回収する任務でね。そこで私は"ダークブレイド"とあだ名される奇怪な輩と出会った――彼はまったく自分を買いかぶっていたようだが、私は彼が傲慢であるに過ぎず、見栄っ張りで、差し向かいの決闘ともなれば己を保っていることなどできないような男だと見抜いたよ。(言わせてもらえば、そう、ボヘミアンという奴だ。)

—-

Spacecadet writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,
Just for the sake of argument, would you actually recognize a sea slug if you saw one?

Lord Blackwood replies:

You insult me, Mr. Spacecadet! Mr. Darwin and I catalogued no fewer than seventy-three species of sea slug during our voyages in the south seas! I daresay I could not only recognize one at fifty paces, but tell you its species, how old it was, and what it had eaten for breakfast that day.

—-

BRIT BRITISHMAN writes:

G'DAY, GOVINAH,
PIP PIP CHERRIO OFF TO THE FIVE 'AN DIME APPLES AN PARES BLOODY WANKING HELL OFF YER ROCKER GOD SAVE THE QUEEN FOR KING AND COUNTRY BY OUR MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE!

Lord Blackwood replies:

Yes… quite.

—-

Dr. Edison writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,
Have you ever met a funny man who owns a time-traveling blue box that's bigger on the inside?

Lord Blackwood replies:

I cannot say that I have. I did, however, once meet a strange man in possession of a glass kiosk he claimed could travel through time. He called himself Rufus and urged me to be excellent. He had two idle youths in his company who spoke with a strange accent and used words the likes of which I hope to never hear again - if this be the future of mankind, I begin to wonder whether all my efforts have been for naught.

—-
Nyehcat writes:
Dear Lord Blackwood,
Have you ever had a run-in with the Church of the Broken God?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Do you mean the Unitarians?

—-
Lord James T. Archibald writes:

My dearest Lady Blackwood,
To you I can barely express how I miss your touch, your voice, your smell. I cannot wait until next Tuesday for us to be together again. Your supple breasts and moist lips call to me from that terrible estate of your husband's. Last Thursday in the cabbage patch you made a proposal to me after a fervent session of love making; that we run away together from your dreadful husband and my tyrant of a wife, and start a life in the new world. I have decided to accept your proposal. Meet me outside the Hogswash Inn on Friday night wearing a green scarf, and we will away together to Virginia. Make sure to keep this letter safe from the prying eyes of your husband and his servants.

Lord Blackwood replies:

My mother was a saint, you varlet! I ought to horse-whip you on the front steps of your club for this sort of obscene slander! As soon as I effect my escape from this facility, I shall find you and we will settle this in the ancient manner afforded to men of honour (not that you have any, I am sure).

—-

Harry Flashman writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

Regarding the ancient manner of resolving disputes afforded to men of honour that you allude to, would you have any advice for a young gentleman about to settle his first such affair of honour? A reply before dawn would be most appreciated, not to say helpful.

Yours,
H. Flashman

P.S. Please bear my best regards to your lady wife.

Lord Blackwood replies:

As the challengee (I presume), you ought to have the right to select your weapon of choice. Have you any particular specialty - pistol, epee, perhaps the smallsword? If not, choose that which you know your rival is lacking in skill with. If nothing else, simply allow your rival to take first blood and call it done - unless he is an utterly contemptible rogue, this should satisfy his need for satisfaction.

(Incidentally, if you do not desist from speaking of my familial relations in such a manner, then the best advice I can give you is to cheat - for I never lose.)

—-

ギルガメッシュ(Gilgamesh)のお便り:

ブラックウッド卿、

貴公はエクスカリバーを見つけたことがあるか? あるならば、そう、それを我が宝物に加えてやっても良いが?

-偉大にして強靭なるギルガメッシュ!!!!!!!!

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

二回だ、事実だとも。しかし恐ろしいことに、それはもはや我が所有物ではないのだ。 かの泉の淑女は驚くほど熟達したいかさま師だ。

—-

Grug writes:
Wurg naf, Lord Blackwood, hal darl daff!
Ror nuff hoff muusel draff, Bur hoff oss iriff loss.
Murrn ror purn haff nansel ram? Mur nas oss woff huubess juss?
Oss ven rab,
Grug

Lord Blackwood replies:

If you say so.

Grug replies:

Holl, Lord Blackwood, nol ram.
Err waff raff wurg murrn marr. Kaff sil na "Problem" nif tal English.
Morlaf vaf kril tarr. Werf wurg raff woll kurf oss. Poss rofs zet aussnal refnel kreff, sil na narrim. Quass nerrif na darl zoff genocide darr. Varg wurg lurr nef posskeff. Raff kwor bor na remoff zet kral waff bref, neffil zaffer extinct groff, murrn ruff nuclear breff haff England wurg…
Kroff ved,

Grug

Lord Blackwood replies:

Are you in need of an alienist, my dear boy?

Grug replies:

Raff ross oss vern. Murrn werrin porr English fon ref. Nerr:
"Us. Genocide. England. Nuclear. Soon."
Kroff ved,

Grug

Lord Blackwood replies:

Dear boy, please sober up before you try to write anything else.

—-

Spacecadet writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

I was wondering if you would favor us with your thoughts on the late civil war in the States.

Sincerely,
Spacecadet

Lord Blackwood replies:

Ours was better.

—-

Agent Baxter writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

I am writing for the Site-17 newsletter an article on what clothes are the height of fashion this season. Can you tell me what you are wearing at the moment, and what your sartorial plans for this summer will be?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Unfortunately, Agent Baxter, your confederates have not seen it fit to release my full wardrobe into my possession after they took custody of it from my country estate. Perhaps if you could put in a good word with them I could give you a more proper lecture on the nature of proper English fashion. (See to it that they drain the room of water as well; wool does not hold up well under the circumstances of the climate I find myself imprisoned in.)

As to the summer, Agent, one cannot go wrong with khaki if one finds oneself in the tropics, but if it is an English summer you have in mind, I am told that a less formal form of the traditional Evening Dress has of late been adapted by the hoi polloi. It is my personal opinion that the ascot tie is the most elegant accessory a gentleman can adorn himself with, though I understand that the four-in-hand style so beloved by Prince Albert the Younger has made inroads lately.

I do not expect that his fashion sensibilities will long endure; however, the brand of canned tobacco marketed under his name is most superb. Could you perhaps see to acquiring some for me? I have made several covert attempts to request a delivery of it by tele-phone; however, every tobacconist whom I have spoken to on the matter has responded most rudely.

—-

Foundation Weaponeer Buggle writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

Who do you think would win in a fight between a brown bear and a hammerhead shark?

Lord Blackwood replies:

I cannot say, Mr. Buggle, that I can envision a scenario where such a confrontation would occur. Would that I still had the address of my old associate at the Royal Centre for Selachian Pugilistics, for he was once the world's foremost expert on subjects of such a nature.

—-

██████ █. ██████ writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

I am the writer of the Brink Dangerguts Adventures, a harmless set of novels about the world of mercenaries and explorers which for some reason the O5s consider a libelous security breach. But anyway, in my next book I am considering including an epic chase through the streets of Beirut in which our hero seeks shelter and weapons in a shady bar before leaping out to win the day in an epic fight intended to be a combination of The Bourne Ultimatum, Oliver! and Bad Boys II. As I am unable to go on leave to do any research in the Lebanon in case the Foundation works out who I am, can you recommend a suitable location for these happenings? You can be the book's dedicatee if you want.

Lord Blackwood replies:

Do the Ottomans now permit the open establishment of bars in the Levant? My, how the world has changed since I found myself behind these walls! I knew of no legal establishments that the Sultanate would countenance during my last visit to those parts - however, should your character find his way to Cairo, there is an excellent establishment in the basement of the French consulate there.

I must admit that I am not familiar with the books you name, though your description brings to mind the adventure novels of Stevenson or that American fellow Clemens whom I met while he was touring the Holy Land in sixty-seven. I got the impression that he was unimpressed with my anecdotes, though he promised not to describe me unflatteringly in the text he was writing.

—-

Space Core writes:

Get to space. Wanna get to space. Can you get me to space? SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

Lord Blackwood replies:

My old associate Dr. Hightower is the best at space, good boy.

—-

Dr. Edison writes:

How do I get all this semen off my keyboard?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Good heavens, boy, that's just foul.

—-

McKineteer writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

What was your opinion of the two world wars which we have had?

Lord Blackwood replies:

"World war"? That is not a term I am familiar with, Mr. McKineteer. Do you perhaps refer to the Crimean War, and the wars against Napoleon? Nasty business, those - I think (and hope) that we shall never see another affray as bloody as the former, or as drawn out as the latter.

—-

Murrin Pinethorn writes:

Can you describe your family, Lord Blackwood? You mentioned a brother.

Lord Blackwood replies:

I do not speak often of my family, Mr. Pinethorn, for I would not wish it to be thought I was riding on their coat-tails. My father is the esteemed Sir Edward Thomas George Blackwood, who I am sure needs no introduction, and I am the second of his four children. Admiral Sir Stephen Blackwood is the eldest of us, and Archbishop Clifford Blackwood the youngest; between he and I is Duchess Catherine Blackwood (being the wife of the Duke of Brandenburg). It has been some time since I saw them all together; the last time was most eventful, and perhaps you will sometime have an opportunity to read my diaries about the occasion.

—-

Doktori writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

If you could bring only two weapons with you for a prolonged journey through the African veldt, what would they be? Also, how many porters would you think would be necessary for such a journey? Thank you for your time.

Lord Blackwood replies:

One of my destabilizing muskets and possibly a pistol - though if you count a machete as a weapon, then I should have to take that in stead of the pistol, for such a blade is invaluable in the darkest regions of the continent. I should want for at least half a dozen porters, I should think, and if possible one or two native guides familiar with the lay of the land. (Ensure, should you be planning a trip yourself, that your guides be Christian - I nearly met an ill fate in sixty-two as the result of a Punjabi guide who turned out to be a member of the Thuggee.)

—-

CITIZEN O' US OF A writes:

MURICA

Lord Blackwood replies:

God save the Queen.

—-

Nyehcat writes:

I say, how did you convince your brother that the Swedish had invaded Newcastle? That might make for a riveting tale.

Lord Blackwood replies:

King Oscar owed me a favour.

—-

Agent Thesson writes

Hello kind fellow! It seems I have an undocumented species of Carp on my desk. I don't know where it came from but it appears to have lungs. Isn't that just DANDY! Should I Put it in a loving zoo to keep it from sucking on my finger or just give it to a fellow researcher?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Ah, yes, the Patagonian lungcarp! Magnificent beasts. Would that I had access to my laboratory so that I could perform a proper examination for you - perhaps in the meantime it would be best to observe its natural behaviours.

—-

O5-█ writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

What are your thoughts about this business in Samothrace?

Lord Blackwood replies:

I do not believe I am particularly familiar with any business in that nation.

—-

Agent Adam Henderson writes:

Lord Blackwood, I've been wondering about your views on the rights of non-human but sapient creatures such as Centipede Nymphs or King Alaric the Fifth

Also, have you ever had any contact with the individual or group known as Dr. Wondertainment?

Lord Blackwood replies:

I have wracked my brain many nights over the question of King Alaric and his "animal kingdom", as it were. If you have read my diaries of that encounter, you know as well as I do that he and his followers are Christian, or claim to be - but whether the beasts of the forest have souls in need of salvation is a topic that was never addressed by the instructors at Eton.

As to your second question - I knew an Edmund Wondertainment many years ago in Manchester, though he was a blacksmith and not a doctor. He was not an educated man, but he had wisdom and ambitions beyond his station - he dreamed of making toys for children, and hoped through his earnings to one day send his son to university and thereby be able to care for him so that in old age he could pursue his dream.

—-

E. Elric:
Have you ever dabbled in alchemy? If so, do you have any insights into the creation of the Great Work, AKA the Philosopher's Stone?

Lord Blackwood replies:

I have never dabbled myself, although I do have some associates familiar with the art of alchemy. I have had need of their consultations on several occasions.

—-

Grand Dreadlord Xifax Lightbane
Salutations, Lord Blackwood
The Black Counsel requests your presence at the Eternal Citadel of The Seventh Eye regarding the acquisition of soulstones used to keep THE SCREAMING MAN! bound to Gaspar's Revenants. Should you ignore our request, the Akashic Glyphs will rupture, and neither heaven nor hell will be able to halt the ensuing chaos.

Lord Blackwood replies:

Dear me, Mr. Lightbane. As much as I would be delighted to assist you with this no doubt urgent matter, I fear the guardsmen here are utterly insistent on my not leaving this tank. Perhaps you could put in a word with them?

—-

John Swindle writes:

Good day Lord Blackwood! You may be pleased to know that I for one humbly hold you in highest esteem, enjoy reading your adventures, insights and wisdom, receive your publication to the World-Wide Web in the Americas, and am simply one of many in all of these regards. I hope you find yourself in good spirits, and that I do not damper them terribly with the following information, which I feel must be passed along to you. I regret to inform you that I as well as the rest of your subscribers remain unfortunately ignorant as to the true nature of your appearance; living witnesses of yourself seem to be impossible for any of us to locate save Mr. Deeds (I personally suspect this to be the elaborate work of your captors), and Deeds himself, despite his elusiveness from your guardsmen as well as the many other fine qualities that he possesses, is tragically lacking the means to properly retrieve a record of your visage, in artistic form, accurate photographic form via George Eastman's photographic film (I understand the human eye would fare no better in any event given the distorting effects in which your captivity in water produces), or descriptive form, as he insists he is bound by confidentiality to his employer. With this in mind, would you humbly provide us with a description of yourself? We loyal subscribers do have a vague idea based upon various publications to which we have access, yet I trust that you and I both would prefer thoroughness to such a degree that a proper portrait truly fitting of a Lord such as yourself could be painted from such information, by an artist worthy to paint a gentlemen of your rank. You need spare no expense, as it would be my honor to finance and circulate your proper portrait.

Yours in Christ,
J.C.S.

Lord Blackwood replies:

Would that I could conduct a proper sitting for a daguerrotype at this time, for I am not as young a man as I once was when last I had a proper sitting in ninety-seven. The closer I get to fifty, the more gray I find in my neatly-trimmed brown mane and my proud English moustache, and I find it more and more difficult to read without my spectacles. Let no one say that age has sapped my vitality, however; for I am as fit and barrel-chested as ever I was, and when the good Mr. Lincoln and I had occasion to meet in sixty-three I found that he stood as tall as I. My eyes are blue, for which my brown-eyed siblings teased me constantly as a child, alleging that I was a bastard or a Mongoloid (a claim abetted, no doubt, by the bout of left-handedness that plagues me to this day). Though my face and hands are unblemished, were you to observe me in the buff you would find my arms and trunk cris-crossed every which way with a lifetime's worth of scars, every one of them proudly earned in battle or in exploration. I cannot say more, for modesty's sake; but allow me to assure you that the reputation of the Blackwood family of being possessed heartily of stamina and virility is not one ill-assigned.

—-

Dr. Edison Writes:

What would you say if I told you that a man of African descent was elected president of the United States of America?
-Dr. Edison

Lord Blackwood replies:

Of South African descent, certainly?

—-

L. Heartstrings Writes:

Have you ever visited a land of magical talking horses?

eric_h writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood: I keep hearing rumours about talking horses in London. Have you ever met any?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Once, yes. I found it highly unsettling and in no way whatsoever whimsical, satrical, or condemnatory of the British class system.

—-

ブライト博士(Dr.Bright)のお便り:

国教制廃止主義反対主義(antidisestablishmentarianism)についてどう思うかい?

ブラックウッド卿の回答:

なにを隠そう、私は国教制廃止主義反対主義者で、そう自らを呼ぶのを誇りとしている。無神論者と堕落者どもには、フランスに突っ込んでやりたい気持ちだ。

それはそうと−君と一度会ったことがないかね?ミスター・ブライトという人物には74年に会ったような気がするのだが。

—-

Mrs. Gallow Writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,
From your experience, do you think pufferkittens are a suitable pet for a 14 year-old?

Lord Blackwood replies:

I would have no objection, Mrs. Gallow, as long as one ensures that the beasts are not able to breed. Blackwood Manor was overrun by hundreds of the things when my sister secreted a pair into her room as a child. The conservatory still smells of dander.

—-

S. Bad Writes:
Dear Lord Blackwood,
How do you type with boxing gloves on?

Lord Blackwood replies:

With great difficulty, I would imagine. Mr. Remington's typographical machine is difficult enough to operate as intended.

—-

Darkblade Writes:

HOW DARE YOU SPREAD LIES ABOUT DARKBLADE! I WILL DESTROY YOOOOOOUUUUUU!

Lord Blackwood replies:

I apologize if my words have caused any insult, ma'am.

—-

Spacecadet writes:

Dear sir,
What is it like to live amongst people with so many odd
idees fixees on the subject of sea slugs? And how do you suppose one comes to have these fixations in the first place?

Lord Blackwood replies:

It is hardly that difficult to understand. Sea slugs are quite fascinating creatures indeed; I could happily spend the rest of my days merely in cataloguing the hundreds of varieties found in the South Seas.

—-

Mr. Robert Pattinson writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,
I am an Englishman working in a foreign country, far from home and unsure whom to trust. I understand that your exploits have been famed for many years-what do you find the best way to cope with feelings of paranoia, anxiety and depression, especially with newspapermen following you around?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Your question reminds me of a strange man I met many years ago in the northwest of America - he was old and possessed of great strength, but was forever trapped in the body of an adolescent, and his flesh seemed to shimmer and coruscate when touched by the sun's rays. As I recall, he had taken to impersonating a teen-ager and attending primary school with the young people of the region, for he found that those who looked the same age as he were more accepting of his oddities.

—-

Dr Xanderfeld writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,
My skin has taken to the rot before my appointed time, and I fear there is very little I can do to reverse the process. A colleague of mine recommended I ask you if you had knowledge of anything sufficient to return to me the youth of my flesh, as they claimed you have seen wonders beyond the wildest imaginings of men in your adventures. So tell me, have you ever found something capable of such feats?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Woe, Dr. Xanderfield, but I cannot report that I have made such a discovery. In my younger days I quested in the Floridian peninsula for the legendary Fountain of Youth, but found instead only inscrutable Indians, rancid swamp waters, and the ravages of malaria. I have heard tales of a cosmetic application which effortlessly conceals the scars of age, but I am told that it is a terribly addictive compound, and that one long left without its benefit will find that their skin rots and sloughs away far more rapidly than if had been left along to begin with. I would certainly not recommend that treatment; however, if you are sitting for a photographic portrait, I am told that a generous application of make-up can do wonders to conceal wrinkles and give the camera cause to portray one as years or decades younger than is truly the case.

—-

Lord Darkbirch writes:

Lord Blackwood,

You are a man with exquisite taste. Do you enjoy the works of modern authors such as Dickens and Hawthorne? My children adore their works, but I simply cannot stand their prose. I have demanded their tutors to stay true to literature in the classical sense, yet I just found out last week that she had been disobeying me and sneaking the works of Burnett and James into the house. Naturally, I dismissed her, yet my children has already been convinced that this is great literary work. I have read the works, and I have found them to be pure rubbish. Why does my children find them so enticing?

Lord Blackwood replies:

I have always found the works of Dickens and Hawthorne most interesting, for the good gentlemn elucidate the status of the working-class in a manner which Providence and circumstance have prevented me from observing first-hand; I do, however, find his tendencies towards sesquipedalianity to be most bothersome and distracting. (I am told that the news-papers of London pay writers of fiction by the word for their serials; had I the inclination to do so, I could easily have become their equal without setting foot outside London!)

I must confess to not being largely familiar with the works of James or Burnett, though I had occasion to read Hardy's The Mayor of Casterbridge while traveling aboard the Orient Express in eighty-nine; I found it to be a most horrifying tale of how even a man of an intellectual disposition and a repentant nature, regardless of the circumstances of his birth, might rise to fame and glory only to fall even beyond the point from which he had begun. I immediately upon having finished it offered Deeds an additional pound per year on his salary, though he graciously declined the offer.

—-

Goodwill writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

If circumstances came to be so unfortunate, would you sooner retire as a naturalist and adventurer, or denounce your loyalty to England and her Church?

Lord Blackwood replies:

I should sooner be flayed alive and made a feast for cannibals, Mr. Goodwill, than denounce England and her Church. God in His wisdom has made the laws of science rigid and eternal; but our church and our state are things of men, temporal and vulnerable. The Earth shall not move or fall asunder if I abandon it, but England, for the want of a single loyal subject to wave her banner, could easily be lost to history. It is the duty of all her subjects to do their best to ensure that this doom may never come to pass.

—-

Ch00bakka wirtes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

Have you heard about the phenomenon of "Lizstomania"? Some fellows at the Royal Foundation for the Study of Curiosities and Phantasmagoria claim that it may be cause by some supernatural or otherwise abnormal effect centered on Mr. Lizst. Have you ever come into contact with anything like this in your travels? And do you find Mr. Lizst as dreamy as I do?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Ah, Liszt! I must confess I briefly contracted the "Liszt fever" in forty-one. My participations in the Great Austrian Warlock Hunt brought me to Berlin, where I found the young composer beset on all sides by fanatical ladies. I assisted the man in making his way to the safety of his hotel, where he favored me with a private performance. Had I been born a lady, I think I might have proposed marriage to him - but common sense prevailed, and I beat a hasty retreat before embarrassing myself.

—-

Dr. Rights writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

I want your babies. Preferably human ones though this isn't absolutely a requirement. How do you think I should go about achieving this goal?

Lord Blackwood replies:

Ah, a lady has come a-courting! Splendid! Tell me, ma'am, what pastimes do you fancy? What is your favorite colour? Are you, I hope, Church of England?

—-

Emissary the Sixth writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

Have you ever, intentionally or accidentally, swapped bodies with that of another organism?
Also, what is, in your experience, the best way to avoid giving into the urge to murder someone?

P.S. Have you ever heard the joke about the man everyone thought was a sea slug?

—-

Shulk writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

A girl that I had been in love with for the longest time was recently killed by an army of robots. How would I go about avenging her?

Regards, Shulk

—-
Heropon Riki writes:

Dear Blackwoodpon,

How do I become world famous greatest heropon ever?

—-

Major Tom writes:

What do you feel, regarding to the current queen, Queen Elizabeth II? Hopefully she's as good as Queen Victoria?

—-

John Swindle writes:

Salutations once again Lord Blackwood! I must open with an apology- while I have commissioned your portrait several times over, I've simply been unable to procure an artist with sufficient talent to accurately capture your virility on canvas, much less the fine details of your proudly-worn scars. I will happily accept recommendations to this end from you. Having said that, I find a collegue of mine to be in a most unfortunate bind. Having recently claimed victory over a thaumaturge with my assistance, and against my insistence to the contrary, he had chosen to take into possession said thaumaturge's weapon, which I believe to be the cause of his transmutation into a telepathic lamprey. Thus I consult your expertise- do you know of any means by which men can reverse this transmutation? I'm afraid this is a matter of some urgency. You see, my collegue is in a state of grave distress precisely as one might expect from being made aware of such a traumatic experience, and I fear that with such distress (of which the body of a lamprey is naturally ill-equipped to endure), the thaumaturge may yet at last claim his life. I will procure any cures of which you know post haste, though due to the experiences I have described herein, I would very much prefer that no cure involve me procuring and subsequently lending my trust to a practitioner of thaumaturgy.

Yours in Christ,
J.C.S.

—-

Dr. Andre writes:

What's cooler than being cool?

Lord Blackwood replies:

The state of being chilled in a fashion comparable to frozen water.

—-

SCP-275 writes:

Dear Mr Blackwood,

I have been informed that you were alive in the nineteenth century, and were quite the world traveler. Might you have ever visited Ottoman territory and heard of, or possibly even met, a young girl with impenetrable skin? If so, would you have any knowledge as to her origins, or perhaps her name?

I ask purely out of idle curiosity.

—-

Trinitite writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

How do you feel about the Foundation classifying you as anomalous?

—-

Guilliman writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

As you are a devout man, I was wondering if you were aware of SCP-343, and if you are, what is your opinion on him?

—-

Bryx writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

I should like to inform you that the "World Wide Web", the entity which your most adept servant has been liaising with on your behalf, is not, in fact, a periodical, but a hub of information which any sentient being can access by the use of a very common terminal that is connected to it. Please give us your views regarding these developments, not least the fact that your audience and pool of eager contributors is much larger than you may have originally anticipated.

—-

"Banzai" Bill writes:

Dear Lord Blackwood,

I have recently come into the possession of a number of artefacts of the most unusual and diverse variety, and I have had some difficulty in operating one of them. Are you perchance familiar with a shoulder-mounted miniature-cannon/rifle designed to, in the words of the message found alongside it, "shoot Magnetism"?
And while I think of it, did you ever manage to discover how that magma rifle we found in '83 (I was the porter's son) automatically replenished its ammunition? The cache of aforementioned artefacts contained an identical device, and as there are now multiples, am willing to attempt disassembly of mine, but wished to inquire as to whether you have had any success with yours.

Lady Gertrude E. Hamilton writes:

What the fuck is WRONG with you, Theo? I haven't seen you in weeks, you haven't replied to any of my telegrams - your servants say you're just going through some shit, but three weeks is long enough, man! Until now, I could never understand why the Duchess of Brabant said you were trash, and that I could do way better, but this whole experience has finally opened my fucking eyes! If you don't respond to this, we are THROUGH! And I MEAN it this time!

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